sometime around midnight, i become restless. my eyes feel heavy and incapable of sleep.
sometime around midnight, i start having doubts about my friendships. Not Jess. Never Jess. Always friendships with people. I over think, and feel...unbalanced. My friendships are unbalanced. I put forth way too much. Never get anything in return.
sometime around midnight, i hate myself. Everything about myself. Not one positive quality shines through.
sometime around midnight, i wonder why i am the way i am. What Jess sees in me. What makes me worthy of her time and love.
sometime around midnight, i want to scream. at the top of my lungs.
sometime around midnight, i wonder if i'll die knowing i did something to be proud of. I wonder if I'll ever get my life in order. I wonder if my depression will fade. I wonder if I'll be cursed for the rest of my life. I wonder. About everything. And anything.
sometime around midnight, i ask myself why i waste time on people. people can't save me. people can't control my emotions. people are full of disappointment, and nothing else. Jess isn't a person. She's an angel.
sometime around midnight, i start believing in angels.
sometime around midnight, i write at my peak.
sometime around midnight, i want to organize my life, my days, my weeks, my future. that's when i get my motivation.
sometime around midnight, i think that i'll never change. I'll always be a door mat.
sometime around midnight, i fall more slowly into isolation.
sometime around midnight, i crawl into bed.
sometime around midnight, i decide to sleep. that doesn't happen for a few more hours.
sometime around noon, i wake up. and am fine.
and i start the circle all over again.
fin.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
even in the dark
Yeah. Fuck last entry.
Up and down, rollercoaster emotions.
Where they stop, no one knows.
I'm sinking. Back. I'm sinking like a stone in the sea.
And I don't know what to do anymore.
Everything can seem great for a week, until they come crashing down once again.
Relationships with people are so fickle; it drives me nuts. People drive me nuts.
How can a friendship change so quickly? What is it about me that makes people treat me like shit?
Why the FUCK do I get to deal with shit on a daily basis? What the fuck have I ever done to deserve any of the shit I get put through.
I've gone through fucking HELL AND BACK dealing with everything I've had to deal with. All I fucking want is a little bit of happiness to last MORE THAN A FUCKING WEEK.
I want a sign.
That all of my hard work will be paid off. I don't break the law. I work hard. I work hard at my friendships.
And I get nothing...nothing back.
And when I do...it's fights. And arguments of stupid things.
I'm dying inside.
Again.
And my mind is going in circles.
I'm clueless.
Please, just please, let me last this summer. Give me a shred of hope that things will be ok.
Don't break my heart. You and only you have the power, because I have given you my heart. Treat it delicately. Please.
Don't leave me alone in this sick cruel world.
Fuck.
Fin.
Up and down, rollercoaster emotions.
Where they stop, no one knows.
I'm sinking. Back. I'm sinking like a stone in the sea.
And I don't know what to do anymore.
Everything can seem great for a week, until they come crashing down once again.
Relationships with people are so fickle; it drives me nuts. People drive me nuts.
How can a friendship change so quickly? What is it about me that makes people treat me like shit?
Why the FUCK do I get to deal with shit on a daily basis? What the fuck have I ever done to deserve any of the shit I get put through.
I've gone through fucking HELL AND BACK dealing with everything I've had to deal with. All I fucking want is a little bit of happiness to last MORE THAN A FUCKING WEEK.
I want a sign.
That all of my hard work will be paid off. I don't break the law. I work hard. I work hard at my friendships.
And I get nothing...nothing back.
And when I do...it's fights. And arguments of stupid things.
I'm dying inside.
Again.
And my mind is going in circles.
I'm clueless.
Please, just please, let me last this summer. Give me a shred of hope that things will be ok.
Don't break my heart. You and only you have the power, because I have given you my heart. Treat it delicately. Please.
Don't leave me alone in this sick cruel world.
Fuck.
Fin.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Never Say Never
Hold onto your seats.
Optimistic entry coming at you. [giggidy]
Last entry...oof. I was pissed. I was angry.
I wasn't myself. I was depressed, self medicating, awful.
I'm off the pills. Been off of them for weeks now.
And I haven't felt this good for a long time.
I'm super stressed, but I feel good.
Things with me and Jess, ever since prom week and prom itself [beautifully amazing], have been the best our relationship has been in a long time. Just cute. And loving. Caring. Kind. Powerfully positive words. And it feels great. She makes me feel whole again. She brought me out of my slump, slapped sense into me, and get me off of the pills. She saved me. Again.
Things with Log are better. Lots better. Our friendship is a brothership now. Whatever Jess said to him sunk in. And he's been letting me in and talking to me more. Makes me feel like a needed person, and it helps. This summer should be great, hopefully we'll hang out a ton.
Evan...I don't even know what to say about him right now. I'm pissed. I'm sad. I'm hurt. I'm everything. Because he flat out told me if I try to get into his heart and mind, our friendship could drift apart. This words have stabbed me. So I've been giving him space. Maybe our friendship will falter before he leaves. Maybe that will make it easier on him. If it does, you're welcome. You're still hurting me.
My little brother, Lukey. He's so happy. And he has told me some pretty great things. How important I am, how much of an older brother he sees me as. I feel important. I feel needed. I've never had a younger figure be close to me like this kid has. I'm so happy for him and Katie. I hope nothing but the best.
Mini-Thatch, I wish I could have gotten closer to this kid earlier on. It's a shame, really. He doesn't drink or do drugs, never has. Just like me. One of the few. I'll keep him close this summer, it'll be great.
And for the first time in my life, I feel like the people closest to me are guy friends. Sure I love Christina, Kelse, Jude and Molls, but these kids have been there for me the past month.
It's sucky that I get close to people when I have to leave. But that's the way life works.
Lets see.
Girlfriend is amazing? Check.
Friends are great? Check.
High school is almost done? Check.
The summer is almost here? Check.
Family life is dece? Check.
Weird. I am....not going to say it. Not going to jinx. But I'm doing a lot better than I was. Check.
Fin.
Optimistic entry coming at you. [giggidy]
Last entry...oof. I was pissed. I was angry.
I wasn't myself. I was depressed, self medicating, awful.
I'm off the pills. Been off of them for weeks now.
And I haven't felt this good for a long time.
I'm super stressed, but I feel good.
Things with me and Jess, ever since prom week and prom itself [beautifully amazing], have been the best our relationship has been in a long time. Just cute. And loving. Caring. Kind. Powerfully positive words. And it feels great. She makes me feel whole again. She brought me out of my slump, slapped sense into me, and get me off of the pills. She saved me. Again.
Things with Log are better. Lots better. Our friendship is a brothership now. Whatever Jess said to him sunk in. And he's been letting me in and talking to me more. Makes me feel like a needed person, and it helps. This summer should be great, hopefully we'll hang out a ton.
Evan...I don't even know what to say about him right now. I'm pissed. I'm sad. I'm hurt. I'm everything. Because he flat out told me if I try to get into his heart and mind, our friendship could drift apart. This words have stabbed me. So I've been giving him space. Maybe our friendship will falter before he leaves. Maybe that will make it easier on him. If it does, you're welcome. You're still hurting me.
My little brother, Lukey. He's so happy. And he has told me some pretty great things. How important I am, how much of an older brother he sees me as. I feel important. I feel needed. I've never had a younger figure be close to me like this kid has. I'm so happy for him and Katie. I hope nothing but the best.
Mini-Thatch, I wish I could have gotten closer to this kid earlier on. It's a shame, really. He doesn't drink or do drugs, never has. Just like me. One of the few. I'll keep him close this summer, it'll be great.
And for the first time in my life, I feel like the people closest to me are guy friends. Sure I love Christina, Kelse, Jude and Molls, but these kids have been there for me the past month.
It's sucky that I get close to people when I have to leave. But that's the way life works.
Lets see.
Girlfriend is amazing? Check.
Friends are great? Check.
High school is almost done? Check.
The summer is almost here? Check.
Family life is dece? Check.
Weird. I am....not going to say it. Not going to jinx. But I'm doing a lot better than I was. Check.
Fin.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
9 crrimes
You know...it's hard.
To realize that you believe in something that only a few also believe in.
It's hard to realize that you're traumatized by something that kids my age are so accepting to do.
It's hard not to be disappointed, sad, hurt by people who do that.
My friendship with him will never be what I wanted it to be.
And that's filling the void of him. I thought it could, but it doesn't. I thought we were closer, but we aren't. I thought it would be different, but it isn't.
Twice now I asked him to invite me over. During spring break [an entire week] and this past weekend. He always waits until it's too late. I'm done. I'm done trying.
I realize that there are fewer people who I hold close that I thought.
I can think of two, maybe three right now. Jess, Ev, Christina.
How fuckin' pathetic am I.
Piece of shit who can't even find people to give a shit about him.
Who isn't worth anything to get anyone to care about him.
I feel so goddamned fuckin' alone.
And I can't do anything about it.
I'm medicated now. For about a month. And there hasn't been a night that has passed where I wanted to down them all in one sitting. Or a night where I haven't looked at the knife sitting on my desk and wanted to hurt.
See how fuckin' pathetic I am?
I have twenty some fucking days to get through this. To what?
A summer. Filled with people who promise me to keep in touch.
WHO. FUCKING. WON'T.
Evan will be gone. And that'll be it. I'll only have Jess.
I'm going to be devastated. My heart will break.
The closest person I have had to a best friend. Gone.
And my cycle continues.
You know...it's hard.
To stay sane.
My 9 crimes:
9. Caring too much about people who don't give a fuckin' shit back.
8. Letting myself go and become this nasty, self pitying fuck.
7. Thinking about people who aren't coming back and who have changed forever.
6. Losing all motivation to get through the morning.
5. Hitting breaking point on a daily basis.
4. Letting people walk all over me.
3. Thinking that people are really good at heart.
2. Fucking myself over by getting involved with pills, when I knew I can't control myself.
1. Taking any time for granted with the one person in this entire world who keeps me here.
Is that all right? To give my gun away when it's loaded, is that all right? If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it.
Fuck the human population as a whole.
Fin.
To realize that you believe in something that only a few also believe in.
It's hard to realize that you're traumatized by something that kids my age are so accepting to do.
It's hard not to be disappointed, sad, hurt by people who do that.
My friendship with him will never be what I wanted it to be.
And that's filling the void of him. I thought it could, but it doesn't. I thought we were closer, but we aren't. I thought it would be different, but it isn't.
Twice now I asked him to invite me over. During spring break [an entire week] and this past weekend. He always waits until it's too late. I'm done. I'm done trying.
I realize that there are fewer people who I hold close that I thought.
I can think of two, maybe three right now. Jess, Ev, Christina.
How fuckin' pathetic am I.
Piece of shit who can't even find people to give a shit about him.
Who isn't worth anything to get anyone to care about him.
I feel so goddamned fuckin' alone.
And I can't do anything about it.
I'm medicated now. For about a month. And there hasn't been a night that has passed where I wanted to down them all in one sitting. Or a night where I haven't looked at the knife sitting on my desk and wanted to hurt.
See how fuckin' pathetic I am?
I have twenty some fucking days to get through this. To what?
A summer. Filled with people who promise me to keep in touch.
WHO. FUCKING. WON'T.
Evan will be gone. And that'll be it. I'll only have Jess.
I'm going to be devastated. My heart will break.
The closest person I have had to a best friend. Gone.
And my cycle continues.
You know...it's hard.
To stay sane.
My 9 crimes:
9. Caring too much about people who don't give a fuckin' shit back.
8. Letting myself go and become this nasty, self pitying fuck.
7. Thinking about people who aren't coming back and who have changed forever.
6. Losing all motivation to get through the morning.
5. Hitting breaking point on a daily basis.
4. Letting people walk all over me.
3. Thinking that people are really good at heart.
2. Fucking myself over by getting involved with pills, when I knew I can't control myself.
1. Taking any time for granted with the one person in this entire world who keeps me here.
Is that all right? To give my gun away when it's loaded, is that all right? If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it.
Fuck the human population as a whole.
Fin.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
heartless
FUCK FUCK MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMNIT FUCKING SHIT FUCKING HELL GODFUCKING DAMNIT MOTHERFUCKING SHIT.
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Piggy back rides are OUR thing. That's OUR thing to do. We've done it since freshman year. Now you do it with some guy I don't even fucking know?
BETH FUCKING BROKE UP WITH ME FOR SOME GUY NAMED CHAD. SHE STARTED TO HANG OUT WITH HIM A WEEK BEFORE SHE DUMPED ME AND THEY HAD A GREAT TIME TOGETHER. WHAT THE FUCK.
You killed me when I saw that. I am nothing right now. And the thing is, you won't know. You won't know this, and if I bring it up, you'll say that I do it with girls. YOU FUCKING KNOW ALL THE GIRLS. I don't know this guy. You made me hyperventilate and freak out in front of Christina and Logan.
Fuck my life. Fuck everything.
My home life sucks, I hate coming home every fucking night to a shithole of people who don't care. Who nag me, who STRANGLE me.
My grades suck because I just don't give a fucking shit about life anymore. FUCK.
I pissed off my best fucking friend today and that was a shit feeling. He says we're good now but FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?!
FUCK EVERYTHING. FUCK IT.
FUCKING FIN.
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Piggy back rides are OUR thing. That's OUR thing to do. We've done it since freshman year. Now you do it with some guy I don't even fucking know?
BETH FUCKING BROKE UP WITH ME FOR SOME GUY NAMED CHAD. SHE STARTED TO HANG OUT WITH HIM A WEEK BEFORE SHE DUMPED ME AND THEY HAD A GREAT TIME TOGETHER. WHAT THE FUCK.
You killed me when I saw that. I am nothing right now. And the thing is, you won't know. You won't know this, and if I bring it up, you'll say that I do it with girls. YOU FUCKING KNOW ALL THE GIRLS. I don't know this guy. You made me hyperventilate and freak out in front of Christina and Logan.
Fuck my life. Fuck everything.
My home life sucks, I hate coming home every fucking night to a shithole of people who don't care. Who nag me, who STRANGLE me.
My grades suck because I just don't give a fucking shit about life anymore. FUCK.
I pissed off my best fucking friend today and that was a shit feeling. He says we're good now but FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?!
FUCK EVERYTHING. FUCK IT.
FUCKING FIN.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
casimir pulanski day
Wow, I had extreme optimism in my last update.
This will not contain that as well.
I'm hurting. I'm empty. I'm nothing.
Me and Jess have been fighting all week. Not individual fights. One long one that has continued to hang over our heads for almost 7 fucking days.
Matt broke up with his girlfriend, and I ache for the kid.
Logan wants her, but she won't make his dreams come true. This kid is probably one of my best friends now.
Christina and I have gotten extremely close now, and it's amazing. I love her to death and she means the world for me.
I can relate with Katie, which helps me out in everyday life.
I told my mom I was depressed, and told her that I hate it here.
I told her that I don't want to end up like everyone else in this goddamn family.
I told her about my fear of alcohol and how it's caused by her, dad, rory and mike.
I'm stressed beyond belief [even though I just won first place in drama and walker, with just having my piece last night]
I'm empty. My heart is aching.
Please, get me out of this. Because I'm not capable of doing it alone.
Please. Let something good happen to me.
Fin.
This will not contain that as well.
I'm hurting. I'm empty. I'm nothing.
Me and Jess have been fighting all week. Not individual fights. One long one that has continued to hang over our heads for almost 7 fucking days.
Matt broke up with his girlfriend, and I ache for the kid.
Logan wants her, but she won't make his dreams come true. This kid is probably one of my best friends now.
Christina and I have gotten extremely close now, and it's amazing. I love her to death and she means the world for me.
I can relate with Katie, which helps me out in everyday life.
I told my mom I was depressed, and told her that I hate it here.
I told her that I don't want to end up like everyone else in this goddamn family.
I told her about my fear of alcohol and how it's caused by her, dad, rory and mike.
I'm stressed beyond belief [even though I just won first place in drama and walker, with just having my piece last night]
I'm empty. My heart is aching.
Please, get me out of this. Because I'm not capable of doing it alone.
Please. Let something good happen to me.
Fin.
Monday, February 9, 2009
revelry
Well...it's 2009. And I could post a goodbye 2008 blog, but it's already been a month since the new year...and I've already said my goodbyes.
On to the new year.
Which isn't going so hot yet. But it's early. There are a few things I'm happy about.
I'm going to Hamline University for college. Moving to the cities in August. Getting the fuck out of Duluth for as long as I can. This cold HELLHOLE is just holding me back from happiness.
I'm on homecoming court. I don't really care about it too much, but everyone else is making a huge deal out of it. I don't know what to say when people say they voted for me. Thanks for voting for a complete stranger, because ya don't know jack shit about me!
I'm going to let off some steam.
Fuck both of you. You both are pieces of shit that mean absolutely NOTHING to me. I thought I wished things could be good again, but you guys are dead to me. We were always there for you, ungrateful bitch, and this is how you repay us. GROW THE FUCK UP. I'm pissed because that is SO MUCH TIME WASTED on fools like you. Especially when I could have been getting to know some great people. Fuck you both.
Me and Jess have had an amazing week. We've gone through some rough patches the past few months, but we are better than ever right now. I feel unstoppable. I feel pretty high when I'm with her, so happy, so giddy.
I just said I was happy. Damn. I might be.
Let's hope so.
Logan is becoming one of my great friends, I fucking love that kid. I'm glad to find nice genuine people in my life who make me a better person and he's one of them.
Evan is my best friend. Hands down. Whether we're just laughing our asses off, playing video games, or actually having intellectual conversations, he just gets me. And it makes me happy.
Kelsey is my other bestie, who is just always there for me. I'm grateful to have her in my life.
I could talk about everyone important in my life, but that's a lot of people. And I don't have the time or patience. I know how important they are. And it makes me happy to have people that care about me in my life.
Evan is leaving overseas in a few months. It tears me down. Literally. I'm scared. But I don't want to talk about it.
Uhh. Life is up and down. So weird.
But right now...I think it's up. I'm going to make sure it stays up.
Giggidy.
Fin.
On to the new year.
Which isn't going so hot yet. But it's early. There are a few things I'm happy about.
I'm going to Hamline University for college. Moving to the cities in August. Getting the fuck out of Duluth for as long as I can. This cold HELLHOLE is just holding me back from happiness.
I'm on homecoming court. I don't really care about it too much, but everyone else is making a huge deal out of it. I don't know what to say when people say they voted for me. Thanks for voting for a complete stranger, because ya don't know jack shit about me!
I'm going to let off some steam.
Fuck both of you. You both are pieces of shit that mean absolutely NOTHING to me. I thought I wished things could be good again, but you guys are dead to me. We were always there for you, ungrateful bitch, and this is how you repay us. GROW THE FUCK UP. I'm pissed because that is SO MUCH TIME WASTED on fools like you. Especially when I could have been getting to know some great people. Fuck you both.
Me and Jess have had an amazing week. We've gone through some rough patches the past few months, but we are better than ever right now. I feel unstoppable. I feel pretty high when I'm with her, so happy, so giddy.
I just said I was happy. Damn. I might be.
Let's hope so.
Logan is becoming one of my great friends, I fucking love that kid. I'm glad to find nice genuine people in my life who make me a better person and he's one of them.
Evan is my best friend. Hands down. Whether we're just laughing our asses off, playing video games, or actually having intellectual conversations, he just gets me. And it makes me happy.
Kelsey is my other bestie, who is just always there for me. I'm grateful to have her in my life.
I could talk about everyone important in my life, but that's a lot of people. And I don't have the time or patience. I know how important they are. And it makes me happy to have people that care about me in my life.
Evan is leaving overseas in a few months. It tears me down. Literally. I'm scared. But I don't want to talk about it.
Uhh. Life is up and down. So weird.
But right now...I think it's up. I'm going to make sure it stays up.
Giggidy.
Fin.
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